The Sex Advisors

Suicide strikes…AGAIN!

This may wind up being the most important article some have ever read. I hope it will not only help a few readers, but that it will open the eyes of others, aiding in their understanding, motivating them to help. I trust there will be those who will actually clip it, mailing it to someone for whom they are concerned, or posting it in the breakroom.

I’ve written quite a bit about suicide over the past few weeks and have received some remarkable feedback. I wrote on the subject because there have been so many suicides lately and folks wanted answers. If you’ve read any of the previous articles, you’ve seen some frightening statistics. This subject remains heavy on my heart and continues to be a concern to many.
For me, it started when a man with whom a dear friend had been interacting was found in his jail cell with a cable TV wire around his neck. Then, another friend who led a Bible study took his own life. Within days, this was followed by the suicide of another man who, along with his spouse, had prayed with and comforted the previous friend’s wife.

Saturday, I officiated a wedding 2 hours away. Incredibly, on Sunday, the father of the bride took his own life.

My mind is reeling as I write.

Suicide has a frightening air of finality. Filled with hopelessness, despair, and tragedy, it’s a word we like to keep at arms’ length. As a whole, society tends to look down its nose at anyone who would commit this gruesome act. We call them selfish, cowardly…I must admit, after seeing that beautiful young bride and her dashing husband on Saturday, preparing to begin their lives together, if her father were standing alive before me now, I’d have a hard time refraining from beating the thunder out of him. How could he do that to his precious daughter?

But I recall the day, about 15 years ago, that suicide entered my thoughts in a different way. I had just lost my job with a Dallas ad agency and my wife had left me, taking our kids with her. For the first time in my life, I was all alone on a Thanksgiving, too broke to join any family gatherings taking place across the country. Our church friends had quickly chosen sides and had shunned yours truly. It was Thanksgiving Eve, sleeting and raining, about 16 below zero with the wind chill. I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a mobile home, my entire world seemingly in shambles all around me. I remember waking up to the whirring sound of ball bearings rolling around in the furnace which was now spewing forth cold air. I was dizzy, disoriented, freezing to death in my sleep, I believe. Taking my own life with the razor sharp meat clever in the kitchen was the most natural thought in the world to me. I formulated a plan to slit my wrists, crawl back onto my mattress, and let them find me in the spring. Truly, I was experiencing the darkest hour of my soul.

But God stepped in. The atmosphere became charged as it does when a frisky puppy runs into a room or a bunch of children run through an open screen door to get a drink from the kitchen sink on a hot summer day. “Joy will come in the morning” suddenly echoed through my mind. I bundled up and made it through the night, only to be awakened next day by a startling crash as a sheet of ice melted and slid off the metal roof onto the frozen ground. I looked outside and the sun was glistening off the melting ice everywhere.

Life got gradually better. Incredibly better. Today, I wouldn’t trade mine for all the world.

Truth is, I discovered another option to suicide. I found it in the Bible, God’s love letter to mankind. You know…that perennially best-selling book most Christians rarely read? The good news about the current state of depression some may be feeling at this moment, is that God really DOES have a plan for your life - a plan that can only be fulfilled when we give everything over to Him. Listen, there IS a purpose for your life; a reason for your existence. Your current, dismal, emotional and spiritual state may be the very springboard you need for discovering just how valuable you are to Him, how your life can be transformed, and how others can be rescued by YOU.
Tough times do NOT last. Tough people DO!

Perhaps you’ve asked yourself, “How did I get to this point?” The answer? Gradually, just as drops of water will slowly but surley fill a bucket. Everyone goes through periods in their lives when they feel down. In time, sadness leaves and life goes on. There are instances, however, when tough times, a strained relationship or some other problem, leads to unhappiness that keeps us in bondage. When that happens, life can become a daily struggle with uneasiness, gloom, and emptiness. Ultimately, hopelessness can take hold, creating a feeling of dissatisfaction with everything.

Depression is often associated with a sense of loss that can come with illness, the death of a loved one, sudden unemployment, divorce, and so on. A chronic illness, or permanent disability, can rob one’s independence, making them feel worthless, helpless, and angry. Losing someone you care about, through death or divorce, can leave a tremendous void.

Guilt is another trigger for depression. Perhaps you’re struggling with substance abuse or another addiction or have made some really bad choices that you’re ashamed of that are about to be revealed. A childhood trauma may have left you feeling damaged and unworthy of God’s love and acceptance. Maybe you feel like a failure because you haven’t achieved all that you wanted in life.

Whatever the cause, depression often leads to a sense of hopelessness. You may feel as though you’re at the end of your rope. You may think that ending your life is the only way to take control.

Trust me, it’s not.

What’s next?
The answer is simple. REALLY simple. You can go on with life as usual, knowing where that may lead, or you can get a life. I’m talkin’ REAL life. For some, the fact that you’re still reading this shows that you desire another option. So, here’s my answer. Ready? It’s my experience that there is only one real source of hope for a life of purpose, fulfillment, and joy.

That source has a name…it’s Jesus Christ.

It is my firm contention that Jesus is the answer to every problem known to mankind. To those who are still with me, that’s either absolute truth or it’s a lie. He said about His followers, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). If that statement is true, logic screams for us to quickly become His followers. We must address the question, “If I’m not living real life, what is THIS?” Through a REAL, experiential relationship with Jesus Christ, overflowing love, forgiveness, peace, and joy can be ours. Interested? That’s a promise from God found in the Bible.

And God doesn’t lie.

Sadly, far too often, even Christians settle for Religion and Church attendance over a relationship with the Creator through Christ’s teachings found in Scripture.

The How-to’s of Overcoming

I failed to mention that all the recent local suicides have been committed by professing Christians. Did Jesus promise His followers a problem-free life on Earth? No. He actually said, “In this life, you will have many troubles….” He DID promise the power to face life’s trials with confidence, knowing that He will cause ALL things to work for our good.

By the way, the Greek word for “all” means ALL!

He promised either to deliver us from afflictions, or provide the strength to endure them, according to His plan for us. Here’s the catch: to set that plan in motion requires giving our lives to Him.

As Bob Dylan sang, “We’re gonna serve somebody.” Even the atheist serves himself, enthroning himself as “lord” of his own life. By placing Jesus Christ on the throne of our lives, spiritually, we become what the Bible calls “born again” and we’re completely transformed as we renew our minds. According to the Scriptures, that same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead dwells within us, His followers. Again, this has been my expereince and, I contend, the very answer that someone somewhere is needing. Your reading of this now is no accident.

Dust off that old Bible and look up the following verses: John 1:12; II Corinthians 5:17;I Corinthians 2:12; I John 5:11-13.

Jesus said, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me” (Revelation 3:20). He’s knocking right now. Open the door.

Three Keys to Vicorious Living

1) Talk to God. We call it “prayer” but it’s merely conversation with God. TWO-WAY conversation at that. So, be quiet and listen sometimes.

2) Begin reading the Bible. Get to know the Personality of the one who made came up with all those Precepts for living life with Power. You’ll find He’s the kindest person you’ll ever meet. Talk with Him as if He were your best friend.
He IS!

3) Make yourself accountable to those who are living the Christian life successfully. Like all babies, even baby Chrsitians should aspire to GROW to maturity. In a nutshell, we become that with which we surround ourselves. Surround yourselves with godly people and godly input.

What if You’re Already a Christian?

First, ask yourself if you really ARE a Christian. The word ‘Christian’ translates as “Little Christs.” Galatians 5:22 tells us what the fruits of the Spirit are, the evidence that God’s Spirit resides in us. Too many people believe themselves to be Christians simply because they believe in God. Scripture declares that “even the devil believes, and he trembles.” Truth is, unless we spend time with Him, how can we know Him at all? What relationship works like that? Logically speaking, Church attendence doesn’t make one a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes one a cheeseburger. Besides, Church is something we ARE 24/7 (meaning: “the called out ones”); it’s not merely someplace we GO.

To those who DO have a relationship with God, the enemy of our souls can cause any of us to feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts in a moment of weakness. So might a chemical imbalance. It can happen for all of the same reasons mentioned above. The trials of life touch everyone, including Believers in Jesus.

If the situation you are in is something you can’t change, know that God’s the Inventor of Divine Intervention. As hard as it may be to do, continue praying for His help and covet the prayers of other victorious Christians. Don’t stop. He does hear our prayers, but His perfect plan and ours aren’t always the same. Trust Him to respond in a way that will be to your best interest. That includes the possibility that He will give you strength and peace to endure your trial rather than deliver you from it. He’s so much more concerned about our character than our comfort. His number one goal is to conform us to the image of Christ who, Scripture tells us, was Himself sent by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil (Jesus is truly our example in EVERY way). Some of God’s greatest answers to prayer come in the form of peace and joy in the midst of great hardship. You can believe that He will see you through every storm in your life.

Along those lines, take a look at these verses: Psalm 23; Psalm 28:7; Isaiah 43:2; Romans 8:28; Philippians 4:13.

We are spirit-beings having an earthly experience. As such, you must ask God to fill you with His Spirit to help you tackle life by His power. Scripture declares, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you.” The Bible is full of God’s promises to love, strengthen, heal, and guide.

The Purpose-Driven Life is a Top-Selling book these days. Begin reading God’s Word in a Purpose-Driven manner: to discover new insights about His love for you. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your journey and to reveal truths you’ve never seen before. He’s the consummate teacher, after all. Accept the fact of God’s love for you by faith, NOT by feelings.

Look at these verses and receive them from God directly to you: John 3:16; Romans 5:8; Isaiah 40:31; Isaiah 41:10; Lamentations 3:22-23.

Today’s culture detests any mention of this word, but here goes: SIN. If you want to walk in victory, acknowledge any sin that might be interfering in your relationship with God. Ask Him to search your heart and pinpoint any problems. Then, confess and repent of your disobedience and receive his forgiveness. Confess means “to agree” and repent means “to change your mind.”

Here are some verses for dealing with sin: I John 1:9; Psalm 139:23-24; Galatians 5:16-25.

Help Yourself to some help!

As part of the Body of Christ, you may wish to consult help from other Body Parts. Professional help in the form of a qualified Christian counselor has proven to be one of the best ways to fight depression and thoughts of suicide. Look in the phone book and make some calls. Ask for references. A good pastoral counselor can help you get a new perspective on your problems. Get a medical check-up. Sometimes depression is caused by a chemical imbalance or other biological factor.

Seek out a support group made of like-minded believers that can minister to the area of difficulty in your life. Interacting with others who are facing similar challenges will help you feel less isolated.

Force yourself to do something the next time you feel down. Inactivity only makes depression worse. Here are some things to try:

Talk it out. Call a friend and open up.

Take a hike. Exercise causes blood and oxygen to circulate faster, which invigorates us. The brain produces endorphins that fight depression.

Help someone else. As you focus your attention on someone else, your own cares will become less burdensome. I often refer people to watch “Patch Adams” with Robin Williams, then report to me on their findings. Don’t judge me on that; lives have been saved. God can use anything.

Listen to uplifting music. Choose your favorite songs and start jammin’!

Here’s the good news: Whatever you’re struggling with at the moment, this too shall pass. Whatever it is you’re going through, you WILL go through it. Though things may actually get worse before they get better, they WILL get better as you place them in God’s hands. Yes, we reap as we sow and there may be some really tough consequences forthcoming to deal with.
But whatever you do, deal with it!

Remember, “All things work together for good for those who love God and have been called according to His purpose.” Translation? God takes care of the lives of those who turn their lives over to Him.

Resist any thoughts you may be having about “ending it all.” God has the uncanny ability of taking that which seems really bad and making things turn out really good.

If you’d like to subscribe and receive more of pastor Michael’s articles by eMail, simply write team1min@aol.com and type SUBSCRIBE in the SUBJECT bar. Or, keep returning to these Ezinearticles.com.

Pastor Michael has been broadcasting messages of Discipleship & Encouragement to the Body of Christ by email since 1999. Since then these messages have been published on numerous other sites, reprinted in paper newsletters belonging to other ministries, have been used as a source of teaching and preaching by ministers and Bible teachers worldwide, and have ministered to the Body of Christ of nearly every major denomination.

Playing online poker with a shorter stack has many advantages and disadvantages that you probably don’t consider when you sit down in your games. By knowing the powers and drawbacks of playing with less behind, you can be more effective at the tables.

Typically, the least you can buy in for in a no limit game is around 20 big blinds. People buying in this short usually do it with the intention of running up a large stack from a relatively small amount of starting chips. Another added advantage is that they can rebuy a few times and still have committed the same as the person who bought in for the full amount. Shortstack players also have the added advantage of not having to make many difficult decisions, as they typically have to get all in with a strong hand after the flop, and don’t see many situations on the turn and river where they have to call or fire a bet on those streets.

By buying in short, you are effectively limiting your vulnerability, but you are also losing expected value. For example, if you find yourself in a preflop aces versus kings dream confrontation, and you only have 20 big bets, your opponent will likely have you covered, and you will essentially be leaving money on the table that otherwise would have been yours if you had as many chips as he had. Conversely, if you are on the other side of this equation, you don’t lose as much as you would have if you had bought in full. It’s a double-edged sword that you must evaluate for yourself, and decide if you play better with less or more on the line. Once you’ve made this decision, you must learn how to effective play your stack size of choice.

Full stack pokerplayers lose options after the flop when playing a pot against a short stack. Often firing a continuation bet into a short stack will pot commit that player to a fold or shove decision. Consequently, it causes the full stack to play more tentatively, and gives the short stack more fold equity when he goes all in.

Learning the merits of online poker shortstacking can help any player, as at some given point you may find yourself in a situation where you have few chips to work with after a big loss in a prior pot. Learning the proper situations to go all in and put pressure on your opponents with your stack will allow you to steal blinds and pots, and put yourself a position to double up and win even more.

For those of us who are into our genealogy to help us discover who we are and answer some questions about our family’s heritage; one can only wonder how similar our ancestors were to how we are? Having studied my family tree like so many Americans I find it quite fascinating indeed. I have met others in my travels and genealogy work, who have assisted me with their research and are of similar genetics to me. It is truly amazing how often we have similar interests and hobbies.

Even more interesting is I have discovered royal lines in our family tree and in fact nearly a million people living in the United States have royal ancestry. As far as who built America, well those lines are pretty definite in my lines as well;

http://www.carwashguys.com/founderancestry.pdf

If one follows the Kenelm Winslow line and there is plenty on the Internet about it, that takes you thru all the Kings and Queens as far back as 432 B.C., which means that I am related to lots of royalty of days gone by. Now then upon growing up I had heard stories but not understood the value of any of this, but since my Mom would have been an Olympic Swimmer, having qualified as an alternate, but instead had me as her first child and having a dad as one of the top Naval Fighter Pilots, it would be both nature and nurture combined to explain what makes me or who “I” am.

What most people find when studying their genealogy is how much it all seems to make sense in helping them understand who they are, where they came from and a little bit about why they are the way they are? Interesting indeed; maybe you will trace your genealogy and consider this in 2006.

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

The life of a chronically violent person is a matrix of complex interactive systems. Behavior can best be understood by examining the dynamics of the individual’s social context, psychological characteristics, biology, and environment. Chronic violence does not just happen one day, it develops, usually in childhood and progresses through adulthood.

Research has identified the factors that contribute to violence. Actuarial risk tools can identify those at risk to a greater degree than clinical judgment alone. Interventions have demonstrated their effectiveness in preventing future violent acts.

Factors Contributing to the Development of Violence
In infancy, most mothers instinctively hold, rock, cuddle and coo at their infants and a natural bond is created. When caregivers neglect or abuse their infants or expose them to domestic violence, problems with attachment can occur. Empathy for others does not develop, while rage or apathy may be prominent. This early interaction becomes the template for all future relationships.

During middle childhood, prosocial peer group rejection and school failure alienate and separate some youth from conventional activities, socialization processes, and attachment to the larger community. This, then, becomes a significant precursor to either social withdrawal or joining a deviant peer group, where they can become successful in their own eyes and the eyes of peers

Youth with a flexible, easygoing temperament seem to cope better with stress and are easier for parents to manage. Children with an irritable temperament may be more difficult to manage and may cope less well with environmental or social stressors and thus may be more at risk for inappropriate reactions to stress.

Violence, abuse, trauma, neglect, severe losses can interfere with a child’s normal development. They may not learn how to manage their emotions well. Violent children experience little emotion, but when they do it is often explosive. They often are unable to self-soothe or self-calm.

There is also a predictable progression of moral development throughout one’s lifetime. In the early stages of moral development, children believe that what is right is what meets the needs of the self. It appears that violent children are in this very early childhood stage of moral development. They have not yet acknowledged that relationships, reciprocity, and membership in groups are important.

The human brain continues to develop in early childhood. Early trauma and neglect can interfere with brain development. Additionally, an intelligent child may be able to withstand the negative effects of a violent environment better than those with less intelligence. An intelligent child can be successful in school and thus receive necessary nurturing, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, even when it is not available at home.

Children practice what they see and reherse what they believe to be expected adult behavior. If there is an easy availability of firearms and community standards which favor the use of drugs and violence, the children of that neighborhood may be more likely to see the use of drugs and firearms as acceptable adult behaviors.

By the time most children are grown, they have seen 100,000 acts of violence on TV, video games, and in the movies. Many experts agree that media violence negatively affects children. It may affect those with greater numbers of risk factors more strongly.
We all want the “American Dream.” When the one group views those of another group in a negative light, it can affect how youth see themselves and it is also possible for discrimination to block the path to pro-social success. When extreme economic deprivation and other factors cause the path of pro-social success to be blocked or unavailable, teens may seek out other means to succeed.

Additionally, in our modern, western culture there is still the “mis-education of male children. They are often taught the macho values of being stoic. The only emotion they are encouraged to express is anger. The “softer” emotions are frequently taboo for males. They are encouraged to “not be sissies.” Schools continue to favor sedentary, rather than active learning. This places boys who are naturally active at a disadvantage.

Non-aggressive youth have social bonds that contain four elements:

1. Attachment to parents, peers, and school.

2. Commitment to conventional lines of action (i.e., deferred gratification, work ethic, the value of education.

3. Involvement in conventional activities (school, sports, family activities, work).

4. Belief in the traditional ideas of right and wrong.

These factors form the basis of resiliency.

Risk Assessment Tools

Clinical judgment of future risk of violence is no better than chance. Various actuarial risk assessment tools have been developed to increase the accuracy of determining youth and adults that are at risk for future violence. Youth tools include the CARE (Seifert, 2003), SAVRY (Borum, Bartel, Forth, 2002), and PCL-YV (Forth, Kosson, Hare, 1996). Adult Risk Assessment Tools include the PCL-R (Hare, 2003), HCR-20 (Hart and Webster), RME (Seifert, 2006), and VRAG (Quinsey, et al, 1998). It is important to use these tools to identify interventions to manage future risk of violence, such as the CARE and the RME.

A study (Seifert, in press) demonstrated the effectiveness of the use of the CARE and a school based mental health program to reduce the number of incidents of officially recorded violence in one school district.

Conclusion

Children develop best in the shelter of a loving nurturing environment where their needs are met. This gives them the safety to explore their surroundings. Caregivers can explain, assist, and teach. When the various social, psychological, biological, and environmental factors have negative components, difficulty managing emotions, lack of empathy, poor self-image, lower levels of problem solving skill, deficient social skills can be the result. This model proposes that the various factors that influence children are interactive and that there is a threshold of higher numbers of negative factors and low levels of positive factors beyond which there is a greater risk for violent behaviors.

Violence risk assessment tools can assist in the identification of youth and adults who are at risk for violence so that interventions can be provided to reduce that risk.

Dr. Kathryn Seifert has over 30 years experience in mental health, addictions, and criminal justice work. She has authored the CARE and numerous articles. Dr. Seifert has lectured internationally on youth and family violence and trauma. http://careforusall.com

“When I was growing up,” Annette tells me, “girls weren’t supposed to get mad. Just as we were supposed to sit still, and not speak unless spoken to, we were supposed to look pretty and keep a smile on our face. It’s no wonder I had migraines for so many years. And when I did start dealing with it, I had no idea what to do about it.”

“There was something wrong with her, I think,” Anthony told me. “My ex-wife … she never got angry, all the time we were married. Not once.” He paused and looked away. Then he added, “She just threw the keys on the table one day and walked out. I had no idea there was anything wrong.”

“‘Let it all hang out’ was the catchword sometime around the late 70’s,” says Martha. “After years of being told NOT to express our anger, we were supposed to do so all the time. I remember this period of time as very unpleasant. We got it from all sides. It was very, um, noisy.”

“In the 80s, they were telling women to stomp around, talk loudly, and assert themselves. We were supposed to ‘get angry’ in order to compete with men in the work world,” says Paula.

Anger … how we struggle with this primitive, upsetting emotion. Denied to women, it was at the same time the “all purpose” emotion for a generation of men - the only legitimate way they could express any emotion, since tenderness, grief, shame and sympathy were women’s territory.

We are more accepting now for both genders to have all feelings (like we had a choice), and yet we still don’t know what to do about anger. “Anger kills” and the evidence mounts daily how detrimental this emotion, unmanaged, can be to our health — physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Can’t we just do away with this emotion we dislike so much? Reach some state of nirvana where we’re always “happy” and nothing bothers us? Not likely, and if we could, we’d be missing a great source of information.

The key is not to get rid of anger - or any other emotion - but to learn how to deal with it in a manner that’s not harmful to ourselves or to others, and to heed its message.

There have been more “fads” about anger, than fingers on my hands, and I’ve lived through many of them. So how are we dealing with it now? What’s the latest?

Let’s get away from “fads” and get to the nitty-gritty about this potentially destructive, yet vital, emotion.

WHERE IT COMES FROM

Anger, in its rawest form, comes from the primitive, or reptilian brain. While “anger” encompasses many things when we experience it, comes from many causes, and contains many puzzling layers, at the bottom it’s aggression.

Emotions from the reptilian brain are designed for survival, and are stronger than our thoughts will ever be. If we didn’t pay attention to them, we might come into harm’s way. They’re designed to preclude thinking. When the insult comes, or the push, or the threat, we react … just as if there were a beast in front of us, threatening our life.

Adrenalin starts pumping and we move into fight-or-flight. There’s no time to think, or we’d be dead … at least the way the emotion was originally designed to operate. The trouble is, today there are few real threats to our existence, but our bodies don’t know the difference, and so we react.

CAN WE IGNORE IT?

We ignore it to our peril. We are our emotions, and if we shut down one, we shut them all down. If you aren’t willing to experience the “bad” ones, you can’t experience the “good” ones, to about the same degree.

I’m reminded of a friend who told me in one breath about the death of his mother, and the birth of his first child, as if he were reporting the Dow Jones for the day.

His inability to deal with his grief and anger at his mother, rendered him unable to rejoice at the birth of his daughter. Foregoing pleasure was the price he paid for being numb.

Our emotions are our guides. Anger tells us something is wrong we need to deal with. And even if “you” choose to ignore it, your body isn’t. It will talk to you in migraines, back pain, ulcers, depression, and fibromyalgia.

Anger compromises the immune system. Illness ensues. It isn’t a question of whether or not you can ignore it; you can’t. It’s whether you’re mindful of it or not.

It will also talk to you in aborted careers, shattered relationships, and damaged children. “The sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons,” refers to legacies of dysfunction.

CAN WE ACCEPT IT?

We have a long communal history of judging our anger and finding it “bad”. It’s hard to accept. It makes us somehow “not nice.” The physiological response to it doesn’t feel good, and we wish it would go away. We want to be “calmed down; at least those of us who aren’t so addicted to it we’re living in a state of hostility, on the verge of going postal, walking time bombs, coronaries waiting to happen.

However, the more we fight it, the greater the hold it will have on us, and we compound the stress. It takes energy to stuff it down and that takes its toll. Besides it doesn’t work.

The first step is to recognize and accept it. “Nothing’s either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” said the poet, and this applies to all our feelings, including anger. They are. They happen. They’re there for a reason, which should be noted.

Judging our emotions only compounds the stress. Even in the Bible it says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” [Ephesians 4:26] The New Living Translation phrases it, “Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you.”

It gains control over us when we do one of two things - either ignoring it, or reacting to it in knee-jerk fashion, and doing something harmful.

What’s the alternative? Sit with the anger. Experience it. Acknowledge it. Then move yourself to the higher center of the brain, the neocortex, and figure out what to do about it, if anything. Respond, don’t react. Put a pause in between feeling and action. Be willing to do nothing, while feeling it at the same time. But don’t ignore it.

Better Anthony’s wife had told him each time she was angry and asked for changes rather than just throwing the keys on the table one day and walking out. Then it was too late. There was too much water under the bridge, too much resentment, too much to deal with.

When we stuff it down, it’s likely to come out in the “kick the dog syndrome” as well. Some unsuspecting person will be the brunt of our resentment toward someone else, or we’ll get drunk, or crash the car, or trash our life in some way. Anger is energy.

LET IT PASS

One way to deal with anger is to learn to forgive. This is a long learning process for most of us, but, of course, we have plenty of opportunity to practice it. Unjustices occur all the time, and we have all been wronged. Learning to let go of this anger is part of Emotional Intelligence.

One reason this is a good policy is because many of the most grievous injustices can’t be undone. An apology wouldn’t be enough.

Therefore, we forgive, and we do so for our own benefit, not the benefit of the perpetrator. The anger will eat us up, while having little effect on the object of our anger, which means we are twice victims, and more the fool.

USE IT (POSITIVELY)

Channel the energy. When your boss makes you angry, go chop wood when you get home. Use the anger over your divorce to flame through graduate school. Get angry at the opposing team and win the football game. Write poetry when your mother dies. Master Rachmaninoff’s 3rd Concerto when your wife runs off with another man.

NAME IT, CLAIM IT, AIM IT, TAME IT

This is another method for dealing with anger. Name the feeling and claim it. It’s your anger.

Intellectually speaking, someone could have said the same thing to someone else, and it would’ve had little or no effect. YOU are in the equation! “Aim it” means know where it’s coming from. Don’t slap your child because your partner infuriated you. “Tame it” means learning to self-soothe.

Developing your emotional intelligence can help eventually to modulate your feelings. (So can therapy.) You experience them less strongly after time, if you work at dealing with them as they come up.

DON’T REPRESS IT, DON’T EXPRESS IT, CONFESS IT

This is Paul Pearsall’s formula. He has a Ph.D. in psychoneuroimmunology and is the author of “The Pleasure Principle.” His work on anger is compelling, as he has studied the effect it has on our immunology system, which is our health.

Repressing anger makes us sick, and so does expressing it. There’s a plethora of research showing that just recalling an angering event causes the same reaction as if it were happening again in real time. Why do this to yourself over and over again? Wasn’t once enough? Skip the war stories, and skip the bypass, yes?

“Confess it,” says Pearsall, meaning roughly that you acknowledge you have it, and that maybe you aren’t “yourself,” or thinking straight. You take a break. Breathe deeply. Count to ten. Think it over. Move on.

YOU MANAGE IT, OR IT MANAGES YOU

Learning to manage anger is part of emotional intelligence. We are never far from the two-year-old throwing a tantrum. “We never grow up,” someone said, “We just learn how to behave in public.” The difference is self-awareness and tools - understanding the emotion, being able to stop, self-soothe and think it through, and not letting it get the better of us.

MODELS OF IAD

Clinical research on behavioral addictions has focused on compulsive gambling (8), overeating (11), and compulsive sexual behavior (12). Similar addiction models have been applied to technological overuse (24), computer dependency (25) and obsessive video game playing. These theories include psychodynamic and personality explanations, socio-cultural explanations, behavioral explanations, and biomedical explanations (26). Not all explain any addiction perfectly and some are better than others at explaining Internet addiction.

Diathesis-stress model

A dispositional model or diathesis-stress model of addiction might help in understanding IAD. Certain people, due to a variety of factors, may be predisposed (diathesis) to developing an addiction to something, be it alcohol, heroin, gambling, sex, shopping, or on-line computer services. If the right stressor, or combination of stressors, affects the person at a critical time, the person may be more inclined to develop an addiction.

Behavioral explanations

These explanations are based on B.F. Skinner’s studies on operant conditioning (27). The person performs a behavior and gets either rewarded or punished for the behavior. Behaviour that is rewarded is reinforced and the person intends to indulge in that behaviour more frequently. This again becomes reinforcing, and the cycle continues.

Biomedical explanations

According to this perspective, this would make someone susceptible to addiction (27). There is definitive research that shows that some drugs act to fill in the synaptic gaps of the neurons in the brain, fooling the brain into sending out faulty information. This, it is thought, is one reason for the “high” one gets from engaging in activities such as running, drug use, and gambling. This might apply to Internet addiction, since many opportunities on the Internet are fun and exciting.

What To Do If Addicted To The ‘Net?

Dealing with Internet Addiction is no different than dealing with any other type of addiction. All people who are addicted (to anything) have some degree of denial. Without denial, most addictions would not have become established in the first place. First, acknowledge the problem instead of denying when pointed by others around you or yourself. Don’t panic if established.

Second, just because there is a debate about the validity of this diagnostic category amongst professionals doesn’t mean there isn’t help for it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Addiction should never be viewed as a problem in and of itself. Addictions are much better viewed as a symptom of other underlying problems and deficiencies. One must look beyond the addiction itself and deal with underlying deficiencies in coping and life management skills that have given rise to it. If you have a life problem, or are grappling with a disorder such as depression, seek professional treatment for it. Once you admit and address the problem, other pieces of your life will fall back into place. Psychologists have studied compulsive behaviors and their treatments for years now, and nearly any well-trained mental health professional will be able to help you learn to slowly curve the time spent online, and address the problems or concerns in your life that may have contributed to your online overuse, or were caused by it.

It’s not the technology that is important or addicting — it’s the behavior. And behaviors are easily treatable by traditional cognitive-behavior techniques in psychotherapy (28).

Once you take on the challenge of dealing with any addiction, you will need to marshal your ability to successfully deal with temptation. If you don’t have a sense that you have this power to succeed, you can use your addiction as an opportunity to discover that you really do have this important capability.

REFERENCES

1. Brady K. Dropouts rise a net result of computers. The Buffalo Evening News, 1996. 2. Murphey B. Computer addictions entangle students. The APA Monitor, 1996. 3. Robert Half International, Inc. Misuse of the Internet may hamper productivity. Report from an internal study conducted by a private marketing research group, 1996. 4. Quittner J. Divorce Internet style. Time, 1997: 72. 5.Rachlin, H. Why do people gamble and keep gambling despite heavy losses? Psychological Science, 1990: 294-297. 6.Walker, M. B. Some problems with the concept of “gambling addiction”: should theories of addiction be generalized to include excessive gambling? Journal of Gambling Behavior, 1989: 179-200. 7. Griffiths, M. The cognitive psychology of gambling. Journal of Gambling Studies, 1990: 31-42. 8. Mobila, P. Gambling as a rational addiction. Journal of Gambling Studies, 1993: 121-151. 9. Walters, G. D. Addiction and identity: exploring the possibility of a relationship. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 1996: 9-17. 10. Lacey, H. J. Self-damaging and addictive behavior in bulimia nervosa: a catchment area study. British Journal of Psychiatry, 1993: 190-194. 11. Lesieur, H. R., & Blume, S. B. Pathological gambling, eating disorders, and the psychoactive substance use disorders. Comorbidity of Addictive and Psychiatric Disorders, 1993: 89-102. 12. Goodman, A. Diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 1993: 225-251. 13. Griffiths, M. Technological addictions. Clinical Psychology Forum, 1995: 14-19. 14. Griffiths, M. Amusement machine playing in childhood and adolescence: a comparative analysis of video game and fruit machines. Journal of Adolescence: 1991: 53-73. 15. Griffiths, M. Pinball wizard: the case of a pinball machine addict. Psychological Reports, 1992: 161-162. 16. Keepers, C. A. Pathological preoccupation with video games. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 1990: 49-50. 17. Soper, B. W. Junk-time junkies: an emerging addiction among students. School Counselor, 1983: 40-43. 18. Goldberg I. >From Internet Addiction Disorder, Available at http://www.urz.uni-heidelberg.de/Netzdienste/anleitung/wwwtips/8/ addict.html. Accessed June 2, 2005. 19. Graphics, Visualization, and Usability Center. Online Access, March Issue, 1995: 51-52. 20. Grohol JM. Internet Addiction guide. From Dr. Grohol’s Psych Central - Internet Addiction and Online Addiction, February, 1999. Available at http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/. Accessed June2, 2005. 21. Harmon A, Researchers Find Sad, Lonely World In Cyberspace. From The New York Times Company, August, 1998. Available at http://www.nytimes.com/library/tech/98/08/biztech/articles/30depr ession.html. Accessed May 28, 2005. 22. Griffiths, M. Technological addictions. Clinical Psychology Forum. 1996:161-162. 23. Shotton, M. The costs and benefits of “computer addiction.” Behavior and Information Technology, 1991: 219-230. 24. Ferris JR. Internet Addiction Disorder: Causes, Symptoms, and Consequences. From Psychology Virginia Tech. Available at http://www.chem.vt.edu/chem-dept/dessy/honors/papers/ferris.html. Accessed May 25, 2005. 25. Sue, D, Sue, D & Sue, S. Understanding Abnormal Behavior, 1994. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. 26. Orman MC. What To Do If You Are (Or Fear That You May Become) Addicted To The ‘Net, From Internet Addiction Survey, 1996. Available at http://www.stresscure.com/hrn/iaddict.html. Accessed May 28, 2005.

Situated in the Umbrian countryside, Cascina Antonini Bed and Breakfast has three bedrooms which can accomodate up to 6 guests, tastefully furnished in harmony with the traditional decoration of the area’s old country manors.
All bedrooms have an en-suite bathroom, and may be accessible to people with certain handicaps and we have a crib for children.
Other services and facilities at our guests’ disposal include: car park, reading room, and bicycles lent at no charge, turist information.

Cascina Antonini is ideal for a relaxing holiday, or even just a good night’s rest after visiting the regions magnificent sites, such as Assisi, Spello, Bevagna, Trevi, Montefalco, Spoleto.
Guests will be welcome for weekly periods as well as for a few days, in order to meet the needs of those taking exams at the National Selection and Recruitment Centre of Foligno.
We offer a shuttle service to and from the National Selection and Recruitment Centre and the Railway Station of Foligno.

Cascina Antonini B&B is located between Foligno and Bevagna, in the heart of Umbria, and is very easy to get to from any direction:

From the North, by car
Highway A1 - Valdichiana Exit - State highway S.S.75 towards Perugia - towards Assisi-Foligno - Foligno Nord Exit- towards Bevagna - past Fiamenga, take the first road to the right: via Ramacciaie

From the South, by car
Highway A1 - Orte Exit - State highway S.S.3 towards Terni - towards Spoleto-Foligno - Foligno Nord Exit- towards Bevagna - past Fiamenga, take the first road to the right: via Ramacciaie

By train
Foligno Railway Station Km. 5

By plane
S. Egidio Regional Airport Km. 25

If you think that Cascina Antonini is not exactly what you are looking for, click here to visit our catalogue for Hotels in Italy, and make a search for another hotel in Foligno: we are pretty sure that you can easy find the Foligno accommodation that can best fit your need for a perfect stay in Italy.

Expectably, a recently conducted survey has revealed that la mode pieces of underclothing are definitely the one wish item certain to permit members of the fair sex young and mature, to perceive themselves as enchanting. Being the number one in the luxury night attire line, Myla is a noted English enterprise resident in London concentrated on empowering members of the fair sex young and mature, to feel glamorous and unique in la mode women’s sleepwear.

For the uttermost in thrilling pleasure the Myla store presents customers with suggestive pieces of underclothing exclusively produced from select materials extending to pure silk, silk chiffon, tatting lace plus, additionally, see-thru sheer. Tendering to flirty women, young and old you will find ruffle bras together with silk and lace thongs, padded balconettes together with correlating silk thongs and suspender belt or perhaps bewitching impish negligees exclusively produced from silk chiffon and tatting lace. Any such sophisticated range of products presents customers with shell lace basques, tie-side knickers, silk chemises plus, additionally, long satin halter nightgowns.

Ideal for the lover’s lair, you can get sheer satin and tulle lace up bodices, silk and lace thongs, smallclothes, feather detail g-strings and lace garters. Should you be looking for design aware winning sleeping room accouterments lingerie lovers will recommend tease blindfolds, laced stiletto shoes, silk stockings, silk and lace garters and beguiling fragrant vanilla candles. Stun with feather ticklers, feather fluff and silk tie-ups, silk tie blindfolds, erotic sweet almond massage oil, delicious body paint made from chocolate sauce or a impish black gloss feather trim paddle.

For the uttermost design aware winning flirt candles, the Myla store presents customers with a wide selection of erotic vibrating toys exclusively crafted by a swarm of fabulous artists. Lingerie lovers may choose from a sophisticated lineup of products extending to Rachel Wingfield’s Sphere, Scott Henderson’s C-Shell or Australian born Marc Newson’s seductive Mojo.

In my fifteen years of private practice working with children with ADHD, one of the common concerns that I observed by parents was the fear that they had done something, or failed to do something, that caused their child’s ADHD. I guess it is normal to blame yourself when your child is having problems.

However, it is important for parents to know that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is not the result of “bad parenting” or obnoxious, willful defiance on the part of the child. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a medical condition, caused by genetic factors that result in certain neurological differences.

Yes, a child may be willfully defiant whether he has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or not. But defiance, rebelliousness, and selfishness are usually “moral” issues, not neurological issues. Make no excuses for “immoral,” “selfish,” or “destructive” behaviors, whether from individuals with ADD ADHD or not. Parents need to step up and correct these behavior problems whether a child has ADHD or not.

It may also be true that the parents may need further training. We are constantly amazed at how many young parents today grew up in homes where their parents were gone all day. We now see “grown up latch key kids” trying to parent as best as they can, but without having had the benefit of growing up with good parental role models. This is a problem in any family, but especially when there is a child in the home who is inattentive, impulsive, and possibly hyperactive.

Parents should consider becoming a part of a parenting class offered by a local therapist, or a local church. These classes can be a good investment of your time. More information about Attention Deficit Disorder is available at the ADHD Information Library.

Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library’s family of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.

Advertisements for anti-depression drugs are constantly smattered across the tube today. They are accompanied with the possible advantages of taking one drug or another to relieve this common malady. By law such ads are followed with a list of contraindications (possible side effects) some which sound much worse than the depression itself.

Along with these ads is a little noticed disclaimer or shall we refer to it as a simple honest statement about depression. That statement is that the cause for common depression is not fully known. I use the word common here for an important purpose. Surely some depression is in fact caused by chemical imbalance or emotional shock of some kind. No one could argue that point.

It is said that up to twenty million Americans have some sort of depression. It seems to be a modern phenomenon in our history as a nation. There are few records of this malady prior to the early twentieth century. Depression prior to the modern era was often referred to as melancholy. Abraham Lincoln was said to suffer deep bouts of melancholy that were offset with times of joviality and levity. Perhaps a change in his attitude was his own way of making adjustments or a behavioral self medication of sorts.

Few studies conducted on depression include a side by side comparison with other countries or cultures. Some countries have virtually no sizable number of reported cases of depression. Often these are the poorest countries in the world. A lot could be deduced from this about how much money; affluence and materialism have to do with making Americans happy and well balanced.

In thirty five years of studying the Bible I have never heard one preacher or theologian worth his salt ever approach the causes for depression based on a biblical view. Not only does the Bible explain the cause of depression but it provides a complete answer to it as well. No, it is not a miracle or a divine healing it is simply a profound change in a life that pushes the depression out sometimes instantly and in some cases more slowly. First let’s look at the cause for most general depression in people according to the Bible.

Contrary to the general consensus God doesn’t just wink at unbelief but he is actively engaged in convicting the unbeliever to answer his call to salvation. His dogged pursuit is fired not just by the fact that they are sinners but because he loves every human being that is born in a way that is beyond our imagination. God is trying to love people into his kingdom not drag them into it. To do this he has to make them fully aware of their separation from him. It is a present pressure applied by God’s Holy Spirit.

Jesus spoke of this matter and he said in no uncertain terms that it is one of the Holy Spirit’s primary works while he is in the world. He said in John’s gospel “Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. And when he is come, he will reprove (convict) the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment.” Jn. 16:7, 8.

Believers often say they came under the conviction of the Holy Spirit and that is what finally brought them to pray and accept the salvation God is offering. Unbelievers say they’re depressed, moody or in some inexplicable state of mind. That the conviction described by the believer and the depression felt by the unbeliever is one and the same thing is verified by the countless millions over the centuries that ceased to experience the depression soon after they yielded to God. I have seen this result countless times in the past more than three decades. This first hand experience and the scriptural support have convinced me beyond doubt that millions of people are suffering needlessly.

I would never advise anyone not to see their doctor for a complete examination of their depression. If it does happen to be a chemical imbalance or related to an emotional experience then the question is answered. If this does not answer the question then seeking God for his salvation should be the next move in their lives. In fact it should be the first move in their lives.

Speaking for myself I think living apart from Jesus’ love and having no certain hope of the future would indeed be very depressing. I’m glad I answered that question many years ago.

Rev Bresciani is author of two Christian books and hundreds of articles both online and in print. Please visit www.americanprophet.org